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This week was soo boring, Z1 was at work placement and Z2 came over on Wednesday because we do that every Sport and Swimming carnival or any event we don't want to go to so we can catch up on everything. It was an okay experience, we ate Rahays and she gave presents for my baby sister, but they were a bit too big on her. We even prank called Z1, she couldn't go to work because she was REALLY sick, but she got better later on alhamdullilah. Eveything was okay until Friday, it went really well but was also like really crazy. We jigged like 20 minutes of Religion bc our teacher is soo bad and annoyingg, and as usual, everyone was messing with him, until K decided to start a fight with him after he yelled at her for the second time bc she started talking and she went offff it was crazy, he then sent her to the office. Thenn M decided to ask to go bathroom while he was trying to explain then he exploded on her and sent her to the office as well lmaoo. it was insane. And before all that even happened, Z2 and K were having a secret conversation and kept leaving me and NW alone, it was really annoying, and the way Z2 was acting, it was really annoying. So during class, we sat next to each other and talked a little on our own because he kept telling us to be quiet, so every time we had the chance, we whispered to each other, and I ended up revealing that I don't like Z2, and she told me that she agrees with me and I felt so much better about that, and she felt happy too ! So we spent the rest of the time together and she started accidentally letting out her true feelings about Zariya in front of K, K loves Z2, like she's really nice, K is veryyy kind and we're close, but Z2 isn't who she thinks she is. Z2 ended up noticing the way me and ZW got closer and I can tell she's really upset about it because she's like that every time I become closer to anyone other than her. It's really annoying, but I've learnt that it's better for me to be with someone else. I need her to get it, she needs to learn how to stop guilt tripping me into staying with her, it's really annoying. And also, we prank called Z1 again and it was the funniest thing everrr, K called Z1 on my phone and put it as No Caller ID so she wouldn't know, and she put on the worsttt Indian accent and started to pretend to be a customer (her voice did not change and she thought it was unrecognisable the whole time it was hilariouss) and we were on our own so it was even funnier. It was just me, Z2, NW, and K prank calling Z1 while she was at work. That's all I can remember from Friday lmaoo and it's not even in proper order bc so much happened that day it was crazy. Now.. about yesterday (Saturday). I went upstairs to try to sleep at around 9:30pm, I tried sleeping, and it worked for about an hour until around 11:20pm, where I heard some screams downstairs, my baby sister was crying very loudly and everyone was panicking, I couldn't get up, I was so sleepy and I ended up falling back asleep until I woke up again not even half an hour later, I only heard my sisters and my grandma's voice so I realised that my parents and my baby sister left the house, I thought they went out for a drive to calm her down. Then.. my stomach started hurting and bro I was so done, I sat on the toilet for like an hour. I came out after and my grandma explained to me what happened and had also asked me to call my parents. I called both of them and we realised they left their phones here, so she told me to sleep with my sisters tonight and so I did, I stayed in my sisters room with them while they both slept, I stayed awake until about 1:00am and I heard my parents come back, my grandma was talking to them, and at that point, I decided to go back to sleep, knowing that everything was okay now. It turns out my baby sister started choking, and they rushed her to the hospital. Alhamdullilah, everything is okay and it went away on its own, the doctors only had to check that everything was okay with her oxygen levels and everything. That's all for today, until next time.. goodbye !

Guys.. I'm back.. Its been a whole week, I can't believe it. But I managed to catch up on everyones updates, and I'm really happy with how everyone is doing. So.. about work placement. It was amazing the first two days, it was scary I have to admit, but it was really nice. I worked in the printing department, which sounded weird at first, but it was actually pretty nice, and I had nice coworkers. Until they sent me to SELF SERVE PRINTING UGHHHH THAT WAS SO BORING I HATED IT OMGG. But other than that, it was pretty okay, truthfully. There was a guy who was also doing work placement, he was really nice, and he's the same age as me. He's a Christian Syrian, he was very nice and we had a lot of fun together. Whenever things got boring in my section, I went to him and we went around doing whatever we want lmao. I was really happy when we left, the last three days were the worstt. Anyways, I was really happy when the weekend came, we went out to Rashays on Saturday and I had the most delicious burger and chips with OJ and it was soo yum, thenn on Sunday, something crazy happened.. I got the worsttt cramps in my stomach and my backside for some reason.. (not my actual back, ykwim) and my mum took me doctors. They told me it could just be gas.. (which I think it definitely was and ITS SO EMBARASSING I WANTED TO KMS), but just in case, they said it could be a UTI. So.. they made me PEE IN A CUP I WANTED TO DIE RIGHT THEN AND THERE RAHHH. That's my weekend, thanks for being so patient with me and my updates (despite this being very disgusting..) I LOVE YOU GUYS BAII.

I'm so hungry :(. I'm in Maths class right now, I'm sooo boredd. K and NW ran out of the class to get out of Maths, and I don't really have any excuse to leave so I stayed, but it's okay ig. Not really. I hate being alone, and I feel sad that they left me so quickly. But at least it's the last class of the day. Anddd, during English, our teacher wasn't here because he thought he didn't have class, so me, K, Nw, and other classmates, E, S, AC, R, and D. It was so much fun playing with them and talking, I love moments like that and I always wish it lasted forever. I can't wait to go home and eat :).

I'm sooo tired and bored, I'm about to go to my computing class and I'm so done I hate him and I just wanna go homeeee. I started fasting, I'm trying to make up my days (1 week) and then I'm going to start eating more healthy to lose some weight. I've been so insecure lately and it's time I started doing something about it. I'm also starting work placement next week, I'm going to be working at Officeworks, I'm nervous but super excited at the same time (mostly nervous) ! I can't wait for this week to be over, I wanna relax and get ready for work. We're going to year 12 next year too, I'm so exciteddd, we get to have free periods and stuff and plan for Uni and finally get out of this ugly ass school !! I'm so excited and I'm so happy ! That's all for today, bye !

I hate my stupid computing teacher, he pointed out the pimple patch I put today on top of my lip, I don't care about that, he says he doesn't understand why girls do this and I told him it helps, and he says "You know what helps ? Eating healthy." And then he walks away. Like, what the fuck ? What the fuck is wrong with him ? Thanks for making myself hate me more, motherfucker. I hate him so much, I've hated him since the beginning, but he just makes it even worse for me and himself each time. I'm literally gonna crash out, I just want to go home.

I'm back to hating how I look. And damn, it was only about a year ago I was loving mysekf. I hate how much I've gained in just a few months. I hate myself and how I can't keep myself the same weight, why can't I just stay skinny ? Why can't I just be normal ? Even mum doesn't like it. Everyone notices it, I can't hide it. I just want to die already.

I hate my life, myself especially. I just hate myself so much, because why am I crying over some hair ? And why is mama getting so worked up about it ? She got so angry because I cried, which I know is my fault, but she is so fucking annoying, like. Why does she say that everything is her fault ? Like bro, stfu, and she says that she's never going to ask me anything ever again because we always get upset over everything she sayd and I fucking hate myself so much I hate myself more than anything in the entire world why can't I just die already I'm so fucking cringe. Why can't I do anything right ? Why am I always being made fun of for everything about me and everything that I do and why do I have to overreact to everythingwhy do I have to be so fucking sensitive even at school around my friends. Maybe Z2 isn't even that bad and I'm just fucking overreacting, and Z1 isn't hurting me and I'm just fucking overreacting, maybe I'm just an attention seeker, maybe that's all I am. Maybe. I think that's all I am. I'm just an attention seeker. I hate myself. I wish I could die. I wish I could kill myself. I hate myself. I hate myself so much. Nothing could ever describe how much I hate myself. That's the end of today's rant ig, see you next time.

I've been lying to everyone for nearly the whole day about prayer, and I admit, It's wrong of me and I should start getting back on track. I told mum I prayed Isha, but she caught me and asked me to say Wallah. And I didn't. So now she doesn't trust me at all. And now I hate myself again. I feel like bad things are happening to me back to back, constantly. I don't know why. One minute I'm happy, and the next I'm feeling destroyed for no reason. Most of the time without a reason. But still. I just hate myself, maybe I should go out sometime just by myself. Bye.

I wish mum still trusted me, I hate that I've ruined everything between us, it haunts me every day that I've ruined the trust between me and my mum. I can't even walk around without the feeling that she suspects me of doing things. It kills me and it burns so much that she still doesn't trust me 100%. I hate myself, I hate myself so much, more than anyone else, because why can't I be perfect ? Why can't I be the perfect person for everyone ? Why can't I be good enough for everyone ? This wasn't a very long one since I don't have that many thoughts to write down, let's see what I write next time I come here. Bye.

Hi. I don't really know what's wrong with me, I'm writing this before I go to sleep. But I had a bad breakdown today, it was really hard to keep in. I had two, but the second one was more intense ig. First time was when my grandma called me lazy when I went upstairs to get a bandaid for my sister LK, I kinda realise that maybe she wasn't saying my name, but it really sounded like it, so I got really upset. Second time is kinda stupid and I feel bad, but mum was brushing my hair, and it was really knotted, so it hurt. I was a bit upset because it hurt, but then she started continuously asking why I left it like this and blad blah blah, then my grandma came in of course to add stuff, so I started crying a bit. A lot. But I tried to hide it until last minute mum saw and asked if I was crying, I said no, and by then, it was too late to come up with any excuse, so I said it hurt. Because it did, it wasn't a lie. She couldn't even brush my hair because it was too knotted, so I got up, washed my face, and wiped it, still upset. But I sat down. Then mum said that she never cried or gets upset, she wishes she never got married or had kids and whatever, I got so upset. I ran to the bathroom and started balling my eyes out because I hate when she says this, because it's like we're not here, it's like we're ghosts and then she gets confused as to why we're ever upset, like she didn't just insult me and everyone else in the family. Like, why did you have me and more if you're going to regret it ? Or maybe not, but even saying those things. It hurts so much. And maybe no one will really understand how I feel, maybe because I seem like I have no problems at all with my parents and my sisters, because people have it worse than me. It hurts, because I'm not perfect and people know that, but they will never say it because they have it worse. Also, about the whole Z1 and Z2 thing, I blocked both of them for a bit I think last week or the week before or smth, because Z1 didn't listen and left me alone with Z2 most of the time, we didn't talk much about it at school. she still tried to make things better, it didn't work that well and she left me out a lot. And I talked to her about it too, but even after it didn't work that well. I told mum that I blocked them. She understood Z2, but not Z1. And when I told her I was angry at Z1 for leacing me and doing this this that, I could tell she thought I was over exaggerating. Like. Thanks for embarrassing me. I hate myself even more now. Anyways, I need to go to sleep now. It's the last week of school and it's only Tuesday :( . Bye.

I'm really tired, not in a sleepy way. I don't know why I do this to myself. I tried to fix things so I can at least try to feel better. But why try when I have the fattest idiot trying to mend things for me ? Like ? Who does she think she is ? Like just fucking accept it. I hate your friend. I don't consider her my friend anymore and what the fuck is going to fix it ? A conversation ? What am I supposed to say bitch ? "Hey Z2. I fucking hate you and you are the rudest bitch I've ever met. How do you feel about that ?" And then things get fixed ? Like ? She doesn't fucking understand that I don't want to be part of this group anymore, I fucking hate her. What the fuck is wrong with her ? I get that she loves us and doesn't want us to separate. but she hasn't been in this situation before. Has she felt overwhelming rage when TALKING to someone ? She says she's felt the same things I have, but she doesn't even talk to N anymore. IT WAS WHEN SHE WAS BEING FUCKING IGNORED BUT I HAVE TO SEE THAT BITCH EVERY DAY AND ACT LIKE EVERYTHING IS OKAY SO I DONT RUIN MY LIFE. I probably should tell her that. She needs to get it into her thick fucking skull that I do NOT want to be near Zariya AT ALL. Sorry for the rant, I need to get ready for school. Bye.

I hate myself, and I hate everyone. I feel like I'm getting worse again, not like last year or the year before, but still bad. My little sister is born ! I felt the need to write that, she's so adorable !! I love her so much ! I'll make sure she turns out to be better than I am. But I feel bad that she has to live with a fat older sister, I hate that I've gained so much weight, and the waist strainer thing doesn't work well. I hate Z2, she's so fucking annoying, she makes everything about herself, I fucking hate her. I've grown more closer to Z1 lately, NW and K are nice, but we're not too close. I hate that they always leave me out though, I made this fucking group. I'm the one that started it all and they just fucking separate and leave everyone alone whenever they fucking want to ? Everyone is so fucking selfish, why can't anyone do the things that I do for them ? Like, they're so fucking rude I hate them so much sometimes. I can't wait to graduate and leave them. I'll be back another time. Bye.

Hey, I don't really know what I'm doing right now. I'm really tired, and to keep myself from falling asleep, I'm forcing myself to get ready early so I can go to sleep before school. I don't know how I'm going to survive the day today. It's going to be 33 degrees, I'm tired as hell with no energy, I'm fasting, and I have to deal with Z1 and Z2 at the same time. They're so full of shit, I hate them, but I have to. It feels like I have to anyway. Can't wait for the day I get the ghost them, I'll be giggling to myself while I hit the block button on all apps I have them on. I'll be writing here again another time, bye :).

I might not write in here much, but I guess I could get used to it. I'm starting to hate myself again, I feel like the last few years have been absolutely insane. I have bad friends, I'm an idiot, mum's never happy anymore, no one listens to me. I feel like shit. The only somewhat good thing was that Z1 wasn't at school today and I got to actually relax. I got to hang out with N, it was nice, and I got to tell her about my feelings, although she didn't expect to hear how much I hate Z1 and Z2. I hate this school, I hate my friends, and myself. I don't know how to do anything and now I'm awake in the middle of the night, sulking, because I suck at being a good daughter. I don't know what to do with my life anymore, I don't remember a time where I was truly happy, where I actually laughed because I was happy, where I was actually around people that liked me just as much as I liked them. But now I realise that there is no one like that here. I fucking hate it. I wish I could just disappear sometimes, I want people to really acknowledge me and appreciate what I do for them. I wish I wasn't just an object to people, I don't want friends to come over just so they can take my phone and eat my food, I don't want people to use me as a way to make themselves feel better. I just want to have good friends who I can actually hang out with and trust. Friends who are like that leave eventually. Like LY, and SS left the school and we barely talk anymore. And my so called 'friends' now don't even like them, because they always push me away from the people that I love. And when I try to talk to them about my feelings, they dismiss it like I don't exist. Like my feelings aren't important. I hate myself.